Only the brave take the cowardly way out

So I already conceded I was going to cowardly leave my earthly life behind 

and hope an eternity of flames isn’t awaiting me in the Afterlife 

not that I believed in an Afterlife but nobody knew definitively 

A long line of genetically passed on failures was ending with me

I can only assume failure was genetic since my grandparents’ alcohol addiction

Left a generation of my family struggling to keep their marbles polished

But their demons Ravaged their faculties until reality and fantasy were so intertwined It didn’t matter where or when or how the line began to diminish

Until it’s entire existence was consigned into oblivion

It left my mom struggling in her youth to keep her head above water drowning in abusive relationship after abusive relationship

Modeling what she had seen and hated as a kid

But we always become what we hate

Usually it’s because it’s what we’re accustomed to behave

We don’t really like things or people, we’re just familiar with it and fear the unknown

Her dreams turned into a nightmare when her demons stopped holding her hand and started holding her head underwater 

I know life is a movie and sometimes plot twists take it to a surprise ending

But after twenty years of witnessing this movie and seeing the same thing playing over and over, my demise pending

Everything, some days I wake up for a few minutes staring blankly at the bare wall until I remember to breathe

My pulse ricochets inside my ribs like a euphemism for defeat

I can see the subtle eye rolls when I walk into my leasing office to ask for an extension again please 

My car broke down, drained my savings

I had an accident at work, debilitated for eight weeks

Job cut my hours during the slow month right when I was on my way back to saving

Its always something that gets in the way of nothing

Frankly I’m done, I’m done, I’m done I’m done I’m fucking done

I’m done waking up every morning thinking of stories to explain myself while I brush my teeth

I’ve been planning this day for awhile 

It’s just never the right time, there are groceries to buy, younger sisters to give advice to, they are always so close to not needing me and just when I think they’ve got a grip on life without me, my phone rings

Some things needed to be destroyed for others to be created and I was content with being the sacrifice to progress

I know death is sad, even someone you don’t know but Grief passes faster than a life of failure and torment

Breathing doesn’t make me anymore productive than laying in a casket lifeless 

People just have to face their guilt quicker than they expected to until it torments their brain

About all the times conversations and events could have ended in a different Way

My plan of my final days have been the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thought before I drifted off to sleep for nearly a decade

The subject of conscious thought and unconscious dreams, searing my pain 

Oh how blissful it’ll be when all my events are taken care of and I can peer into my fate

Feel the pain leave my body long before my body shuts off and collapses on top of the piers that remain

Long after I’m gone to hold someone else up during their suffering

Refusing to let them give up and quit

But there was always groceries to buy, doctors appointments to take my sister to, other peoples’ kids to tuck in.

The times I made a dark joke about death were met with awkward laughs and witty retorts

But I put myself in their position and in their defense,

How do you tell someone life is worth living when you can’t understand or fix their mental torture

Telling someone to stay alive is refusing to confront the ugly side of life

Refusing to realize we all one day closer to eating our last slice of pie

Refusing to offer a solution while pretending it is a solution to their life we have no clue how bad the pain is or when it began or how much it sucks to wake up scared of death but not wanting to exist anymore

We need to say something for all the times we need to satisfy our guilt for skirting the issue

For avoiding awkwardness in lieu of conversing the grim mood

Awkward saves lives

But there are always bills to pay, events I want to attend before I go, people I don’t want to disappoint, people to help, obligations

So until tomorrow I’ll pop a Prozac and wellbutrin until the few people in my life dwindle down until none remain in My life

eventually the expectations fade with time

There are only so many disappointments people can take before they stop trying 

Its been three days since the last time one of my sisters called. All the groceries are bought, the kids I used to tuck in finally went home, it could be days before anybody notices I’m missing.

I attach my gas mask to my co2 tank. It’s time. I prepare myself for the potential headache before I pass on into oblivion. I was terrified of death but I hated life and I realized then that only the brave take the cowardly way out. 

I have an idea what will happen tomorrow when I wake up but I have no idea what’s going to happen when the carbon monoxide runs out and my lungs stop trying.

My phone rings. My sister needs a ride. Ok, I’ll be there in a few minutes. My co2 tank will have to wait until after this ride.


2 thoughts on “Only the brave take the cowardly way out

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