My Doctor is a Vampire and I think my Therapist Hates Me

I am not crazy, but lately my thoughts have been. So I did something I would never do. Booked a doctors appointment for anxiety and depression, conceding I’d probably be given pills like tic tacs. But therapy didn’t work and if the pills could give me some iota of hope, I was willing to succumb to my fate of a zombie-like existence.
She called me back in a thick Romanian accent. She looked suspiciously pale with red lips and an excited vein pulsing in her neck.  Maybe she had porphyria. She took my height and weight and I noticed she lied about my weight by 5 pounds. Not sure why. I was standing right there looking at it. Deceit.

I followed her into her office. What was I going to say? I’m sad, I heard there are pills for that? It sounded stupid. But that’s what I said. I was chronically depressed and nothing makes it go away. I could be on a roller coaster after winning a million dollars and I still would feel like melting into the ground.

She ordered blood tests. Um? She pulled out 12 test bottles for the blood work. I suddenly started wondering if my paranoia wasn’t accurate now. There hasn’t been a single mirror in the waiting room or the hallway. I looked around the room to see if her office had a mirror. No. Unbelievable.

“Are there any mental issues that run in your family?” she asked as she grabbed to rubber band to put on my arm.

I lied and said no.

She prepared my arm to be stabbed when the phlebotomist came into the room to do the actual blood drawing.

When the doctor left, I asked the phlebotomist when I would find out the results. She said my doctor would let me know my blood test results. I’m sure she will….

So I left feeling more anxious than when I had entered the doctor’s office. She had prescribed me a beta blocker for now.

I couldn’t shake the feeling she wasn’t who she said she was so I turned to the best tool of my generation-Google. She spent 16 years working at a blood bank, despite having a PH.D. She migrated from Romania with her twin sister to pursue her career.

This isn’t stalking, by the way. This is investigating.

Her Facebook wasn’t too telling. Mostly private, of course. Why would a vampire have a public Facebook?

Everything I found out said vampire.

The blood tests came back normal (duh) and she recommended me to a shrink, who I’m pretty sure hates me. The session was boring with her judgemental eyes.  She gave me a prescription for Zyprexa.

I noticed she also had no mirrors in her room.

*Part of this story is true. My doctor was Romanian with vampire’s disease and my therapist really does hate me. I don’t take Zyprexa though. I was bored at the doctors today and decided to write this story while I was waiting, based off my Romanian doctor. 😂😉🙃


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